Evelien

moving out... ;-)

2006-08-26T19:47:00.000+02:00

I'm very sorry to say this:

I'll quit blogging on this page...

But I'll start a new one!! hehe...
I'm a bit of an addict when it comes to nice lay-outs and stuff, and there's a new blog-site which I like a lot better than my current blog (this one).

So you're all curious to what will be my new site right?? ... well maybe...??
Anyways, here it is:

www.evelien.vox.com

It's pretty new and if you want to start one for yourself at vox.com, I still have got 5 invites, so just email me if you want one.
So that's it, I'm moving out!

See ya'll at my new place on the internet :-)

Holiday!! yahooooo!!

2006-07-11T14:29:00.000+02:00

I will be in Creta (Greece) for the next week!!
Jippieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!

kiss from me ;-)

Wow! I feel good!

2006-06-11T14:36:00.000+02:00

Short update: THIS IS A GREAT BAND :D We gave a great show!

And I got through the music teacher auditions, so.... I'm happyyyyyyyyyyyy!!! *bounce*bounce*

bye!

well that's nice...

2006-04-25T19:31:00.000+02:00

ok, to keep it short:
since saturday my throat started to hurt and I started feeling a bit sick. This morning I went to see the doctor and he told me I have laryngitis (inflammation of the mucous membrane of the larynx; characterized by hoarseness or loss of voice and coughing). Well that's nice... I cannot play saxophone because it hurts and it's the same way with singing or practicing for solfege. Next to that I feel sick and have headaches and a little bit of fever.

That sucks!! Not the fact that I'm sick, I mean; that can happen. But the fact that I want to practice for my audition and I just can't do that now. grrr... Another stupid thing now is that my boyfriend has got it too (hehe.. :P), how romantic NOT.

Well, I'm still happy I've got God (really? yes really). He's my strength and hope and even though this situation isn't thÃ¡t dramatic, I'm glad I can put my faith in Him that everything will bealrightt, when it comes to my health or when it comes to my auditions. I know that if it's really a good step for me to start with the study I want to do, God will help me in that. He is the only one who really knows what's good for me and I put my trust in that. I know what I want to do and I think to know what is good for me, but the only one who has got all the answers is my Father.
Upuntill now, my decision to prepare for the auditions has given me peace and whether I'm supposed to become a music teacher or not, I truly believe that all this is a good learning process for me.

I love you all.
x eefje

music music

2006-04-05T11:49:00.000+02:00

so... how are you all doing?!

I'm doing fine, i've been working at the callcenter for a few weeks now and this will be my last week. After that I will be using all my time to practice for my audition... I'm not that good at solfege and other theoretical stuff, so that requires a lot of discipline. Fortunately, I've got a good teacher to help me with all of that, so I think I don't have to worry very much... I just need to practice a lot!!
The auditions will be in the first two weeks of june, I don't have the exact dates yet. But I'm very excited!! I know that this is what I want to do and if I would fail the auditions I would be very sad to know that I'd have to wait one more year.... But my focus is not on failing! ;-) My focus is on learning so much more and following God in all of this :D. And He is leading me, that's for sure.

byee!! xxxx

Long time no blog (hehe, how funny)

2006-03-12T19:34:00.000+01:00

hellow,

just for the few interested people: I'm doin' fiiiine ;-)!!

Life is good.

At this moment I work in a callcenter 24 hours a week and the rest of my time is filled with making a lot of music and meeting friends. It could be worse right?

And I FINALLY know what study I want to start with in september:
Rotterdam Acadamy for Music Education!!!!

It means that I will be educated to become a music teacher and I'm really looking forward to it. BUT: there's a audition before I can enter the course, so... I try to practice a lot..!!

So, that was my update, i know it's abit short: snorry :P
byebye!!

ladeehdah!

2006-02-02T14:38:00.000+01:00

Whether he likes it or not, I just posted a picture of the two of us, hehe!! God is teaching us sooo much about eachother, it kinda feels like I stepped into a rollercoaster three weeks ago and I'm still on it ;-). But it's gooood, we're growing a lot in such a short time.

At this moment I'm still looking for a job, which is not thát easy, because I don't have much choice... But God is in charge of my whole life, so I'm not worried! pray, pray, pray, that's all that I can say.

Much love from me!

God's guidance

2006-01-22T20:42:00.000+01:00

I ended my study in Amsterdam, because it 'just wasn't my thing'

and...

I've got the most amazing,
loving,
caring
and God loving guy as my boyfriend!

God rocks!
Life is great!
My heart is open for new things to come!
I'm so ready to leave my past behind and start new adventures!

Weeeehaaah!!

Been a while

2006-01-10T09:57:00.000+01:00

Hi!

it's been a while since I last wrote something, so I felt like I should write again, but I don't know what... I guess it'll just be a little update then ;-).

I'M BUSY!!
with school as main reason. The fact is, that I'm really starting to have doubts about this study I'm doing and I'm trying to figure out what it is that I should do and, more importantly; what God wants me to do. And I can tell you; having doubts when you're in the midst of your exams is not funny, believe me! But I'm struggling my way through it and I must admit that my grades won't be very good... I'm not sure if I care or not. I'm doing the best I can, but if something doesn't interest me or doesn't really grab my attention, I'm just not that motivated to do it. Guess I still gotta work on my selfdiscipline haha, because of course I realize that life isn't always 'doing fun things'.

I used to be afraid of making the wrong choice for a study, but now I realize that it doesn't really matter. It would have been great if I'd chosen the perfect study right from the top, but now that things are not the way I expected them to be, I'm just learning more about myself, what I don't want and what I dó want. Does anyone recognize that it's always easier to say what you don't want than to know what you dó want? Well that's what I always have..!

Anywaaaaaay... God is doing amazing things and I just try not to worry and give all my worry to Him. The peace He gives is not of this world and that is so true. People can meditate or do yoga or something, but the REAL rest and peace comes from Jesus. Our Father wants to grab us and hug us and fill us with His love over and over again. He wants to melt all the frozen hearts in this world and let all the dead flowers become more beautiful than ever because of His Sonshine (hehe, get it? i know it's a lame joke...:P)!!!

So I guess I'm doing pretty well, because God is on my side! PERIOD.

Think and pray

2005-12-22T00:21:00.000+01:00

I just love God... so much!
How can anyone not love Him and how can I forget this love sometimes..?

There's not a specific reason for saying this now, but it's true. And I so often find myself in a situation where I don't realize how much love there is. From God to me and me to God; all around me! I am learning, but I want to learn more and more to thank and praise him, whatever situation I'm in. I don't think that this is a lesson I can learn one time and then know it and use it forever. Every day again it is about making a choice to give everything I have to God and let Him take the lead. But I do think that you can grow in that and make it more a part of your life every day.

Just something that crossed my mind and maybe it would be good to think about it. What are the things in your life that you are struggling with giving it to God and what are the moments when you find it hard to thank and praise Him? It's good to know your weaknesses, because when you know them, you're already so much stronger!

So, take some time with Him and let His warm love embrace you and cleanse you.
He is amazing. His love is amazing... (steady and unchanging, Your love is a mountain, firm beneath my feet. Your love is a mystery, how You gently lift me, when I am surrounded, Your love carries me!)

yesyesyes!

2005-12-19T01:47:00.000+01:00

Heey!

I'm just very happy right now, while I should be depressed or something.. :D
I have a paper deadline tomorrow and an exam. The good news is: I finished my paper!!! yesyesyes!!! (it's 2 o'clock in the morning)!!! The somewhat less good news is: I haven't learned for my exam (yet). But I'm sooooooooooo happy I finished my paperrrr!!!! Where is everybody? I want to share my joy!!

I pray that you may receive a lot of joy while reading this, not because of what I wrote but because the Lord is good and wants to give everyone so much joy!! Even when things aren't going well, or what situation you're in. You may feel soooo miserable and down, but remember the times when you rejoiced in the love of God and hold on to His promises. I can asure you that everything will be allright if you put all your trust and faith in Him, the One and Only.... GOD!!

Goodnight and Amen.

One day in Amsterdam

2005-12-14T08:58:00.000+01:00

Well, because I think it's amazingly stupid that someone would buy a christmas-tree and hang it full with swarovski crystals (worth over 200.000 euro's !!), I decided to take a look myself.

The "famous tree" can be admired in The Bijenkorf in Amsterdam, which is a 5 floor big warehouse that sells all kind of different stuff. I found a beautiful picture on the internet, so here it is:

Looks nice, eh?
And now I will show you the "B-E-A-utiful" tree-pictures I made with my cell :P.

Doesn't it look nice? For me personally, I think they could have hang some plastic/fake jewels in that tree as well. It sucks that these days, with christmas coming closer and the weather getting colder, people prefer buying expensive stuff instead of being there for other people who haven't got anything. When I heard the cost of that tree I really was a bit shocked. How shallow and stupid can one be... It's just another attraction that draws more customers in the store, to buy more useless expensive articles.

Anyway, I just walked into the Bijenkorf, took a picture, went to the toilet, took another few pictures and got out of the building, hehe. I hope next year there will be a tree of life, which won't symbolize the materialism of today, but the real story of Christ.

The song of my heart

2005-12-11T19:28:00.000+01:00

I didn't really know what to write although I felt like writing something.
BUT... then I thought about one of the most amazing gifts God gave us: MUSIC.

For the ones who've seen it, I always have to laugh about this sketch from SNL, where someone who's imitating Bjork makes a lot of weird noises and says: "Everything is musical!" It's pretty interesting why some people find certain sounds sound beautiful, while other's find it rather irritating. Music can be defined and used in different ways. You can listen to music when you're trying to get some rest or you can put some music on to get more energy. You can sing about your feelings, another person's feelings, you can sing to protest or to praise.

The point is: what's the role of music in your life? Do you only know the use of music in a way that it will give you and other people pleasure, or do you also see the most important way to use music? God gave us music to enjoy it, but most of all: to exalt, praise and worship Him, the King of Kings, the One who gave us that music! Listening to music can be nice, when it's a good song and played by good artists, but to me (and God!) the attitude of the hearts of those musicians is so much more important...

Ephesians 5:15-21 say that it's a part of your walk in wisdom and being filled with the spirit. I love this sentence: "(...) making music to the Lord in your hearts." Wow. It's so beautiful... I can make music to God in my heart. And because He is in my heart He will be my music. "(...) try to understand what the Lord wants you to do." Part of that is using music as something to praise Him with, to thank Him with, to get your focus on Him.

Music with a purpose. That's so important. And the purpose is Jesus... He died for me, I live for Him. I want to honor Him with everything I do, so music is a big part of that too. That doesn't mean I can only make or listen to music about God. It can be a song about how beautiful life is or how difficult, it can be a song about the love of my life or about my family. But I long to be focused on God every single second. Every note I play, every song I hear.

Thank You God for Your music!
You are the song of my heart.

whahahahahahaha :D

2005-12-04T13:39:00.000+01:00

I'm sorry, I guess that's just my kind of humor... hahahahaha!!

Sunny, hehe

2005-12-01T09:10:00.000+01:00

Poland

Italy

This morning: The Netherlands!

Wow... I'm not able at all to make a picture that gives you a real view of how my morning looked today, but I was worshipping God this morning and the sun was just rising up and it filled my whole room with it's light!! Sooo pretty!!
And I started making pictures, but I realized that sometimes it's just impossible to 'keep' the beauty of a certain moment. It's that moment that makes it beautiful and now I just enjoy being in my room full of sun! The fact that there are beautiful and less beautiful moments in our lives make the very beautiful moments even more beautiful, haha :D. You know what I mean right?
Well, I'd better go now, I need to finish some work for school (yug) and I have to go to school within 1 hour, sooo... Bye now! I hope you enjoyed my pic's although they don't show 10 percent of the beauty in real life!

Faith

2005-11-29T10:19:00.000+01:00

I say NO to the discouragement that keeps me down
I say NO to the things that keep me back from You

And this broken heart inside of me
Broken in so many pieces
By so many circumstances

I say NO to just letting it stay that way!

Because I’m learning to trust that it’s not You that hurt me
I’m learning to believe that it’s not You that deserted me
I’m believing that You still love me
Brokenness and all...

I’m believing that You’ve got a plan for me
I’m believing that You will restore me
I believe that You will awaken my soul
And let, let faith arise again, I believe
I believe like a little child again

I’m gonna dance in my trust in You, oh Lord
I’m gonna dance in my love for You, oh Lord

I’m gonna laugh again
I’m gonna cry again

I’m gonna have joy, joy on the inside!
Circumstances around me try to pull me down
I’m going to believe in that faith again
‘Cause You’re my Creator!
You’re my Comfort!
You’re the One that will never desert me

So Daddy, I raise my hands up to You Lord
I raise my hands up to You, oh Lord

It’s not about the job I have....
It’s not about the friends I have....
It’s not about the house I have or the social status I have....

It’s about me and You
We’re building a relationship again
Just me and You
‘Cause You’re building my faith up again...

Just some sentences from the song Faith-Jason Upton

New hairstyle, weeee!!

2005-11-25T21:02:00.000+01:00

Before

and...

After!!!

I don't know what you guys think, but I am just soooo happy with my new haircut!! I must admit that I loved my longer hair too, but I was just up to something new, so... tadaaa!!

So... I love it and I just had to share this with everyone :P.

Pfew: Back on track

2005-11-20T22:25:00.000+01:00

Hello.

:D

I just wanted to announce that I'm going to leave this state of mind behind (see my last blog). Spending all my time thinking of and missing a person who doesn't care about who I am or what I'm doing is just a waste of time.

Why did it take me so long to realize this? Well, let's just say I was patient for one time in my life, hehe. But now I see that I have to let God do the work that needs to be done and that I need to let this go, cry out by God and go on. This all sounds pretty easy, but it isn't. But I've got God on my side, that's for sure.

I need to learn to focus more on God instead of people. Of course that doesn't mean that I don't need to focus on the people around me anymore, but I've got to learn to do that in another way and let God be the number one focus. I've always tried to let God be the number one focus, but as you all might have experienced: there are so many things in our lives that keep us busy sometimes or grab our attention more than they should. Again, this is a point where I say: I'm not taking it any longer and I want to give God my everything and every aspect of my life.

"Cause it's just plain idolatry,

when God can't have all of me"

2005-11-10T00:02:00.000+01:00

why do I miss him so much...? it hurts :(

Boy meets Girl

2005-11-07T23:41:00.000+01:00

I tend to search through every songlyric database to find songs that fit in how I feel or think... That's not good, because something I just keep looking till I find something and that can take a while!! I find it hard to explain how I feel in words, so I sometimes try to find the right words, put in the right sentence, written by someone else... There are worse things, right?

At the moment I'm sick and tired of certain guys. And I don't mean my friends, my friends are great, hehe :-). But most of the guys I meet are just.. (can I say this word...? I'd better describe it then...) they're just rude, senseless, careless, thoughtless, selfish, only looking at girls as possible conquest or occupational therapy.

It seems impossible to get a normal friendship between a guy and a girl sometimes.
Just two weeks ago, I was in the library in Rotterdam and this guy walked up to me and sat down next to me. He started talking and asking questions like "what are you reading?" or "where do you come from? How old are you?". And he kept looking and staring at me in such a way that I wanted to put a paper bag over head more than ever. I tried to give him the idea that I was trying to read although I wasn't reading anything and all of a sudden he said: "so... when will we go on a date?" and I was like: "what?! well, never!" and he just didn't understand. He started talking about other girls he dated and he gave a lot of information I totally wasn't interested in!! When I made it very very clear that there was NO change I would go out with him, he gave up and went away. THANK GOD.

I'm not saying that every boy is like this and that there are no girls who are just like the boy I just described. The fact is, that it makes me so sad to see people from my age behave this way towards eachother. Looking at eachother as a fulfillment of their needs or longings instead of questioning themselves what they have got to offer to that other person..!!

I'd better stop this blog and end with saying that I know I'm not perfect either. But I try to look more like Jesus every day, even though I make a lot of mistakes and I'm not perfect at all. I just hope and pray that God will make people more aware of how special relationships and friendships are and how special love is. That life and love isn't a game, it's a reality. And if you see it as a game, you can get hurt real bad if you play it the wrong way.
You are, in life, allowed to have fun though ;-).

I will try to write something more positive and happier blog next time.

Wait for Him

2005-10-25T11:46:00.000+02:00

Well, it all turned out just fine (of course, God is with me!).

I planned on studying whole Sunday afternoon and evening and Monday morning, but... that didn't really happen. The sermon on Sunday was about our basic attitude in the midst of stress and fear (how useful!).

The verse my pastor used was Isaiah 30:15

The Sovereign Lord, the Holy One of Israel, says,
"Only in returning to me and waiting for me will you be saved. In quietness and confidence is your strength (...)"

Well, I felt like I needed to be saved and I needed more strength in that situation, hehe! Something else that came through very clear: "God waits till you start waiting".

I prayed that I would be able to have confidence in God and just waiting for Him. My Sunday and Monday morning turned out to be completely useless when it comes to studying! God just gave me the peace I needed to focus more on Him and just forgetting about that exam a bit. It was great. On Monday I wasn't nervous for my exam at all and I was just bouncing through the house because God gave me so much joy I didn't care about the exam anymore!

It was a really difficult exam, but the questions I didn't know I could not possibly have known when I had studied a bit more on Sunday and Monday. From the 20 questions I had 10 wrong answers, but I can still get my grade a bit higher with my next exam, so that's great!

Wise lesson (:P) :
Sometimes you're sooo busy and you're like "I first want to finish this or that and then I will have time to come to God and pray." The fact is: you can do your work, your homework, or anything else you need to do so much better when you first seek God's face and God's peace. God will bless you in the things you do if you put your focus on Him and trust Him in leading you. Putting God on number one also means seeking God first.

Status:

2005-10-22T19:35:00.000+02:00

I've got about 38 hours left to study, including my sleeping time AND going to church.
So let's make that: 18 hours...

And my thoughts are just totally somewhere else, and I hate that...!

I really could use some prayer...
Thank you :-)

"Let my thoughts be like this sky, without worries"

Just to inform you

2005-10-21T16:37:00.000+02:00

Next monday:

my first exam

About:

Film History

How much:

13 chapters, = about 300 pages (BIG pages)

Interesting?

Nope

My mood:

not really into studying...

So what now?

er.... pray?

Oh God I love you so much!
I cannot imagine life without you; Life without a purpose, life with worldly goals as the most important goals. I thank You God, for giving meaning to my life and for leading me in every step I take. I pray that Your purpose, Your vision for my life will become clearer and clearer every day. I long to seek Your face in everything I do. Help me God, with the things I'm struggling with, school, friends, all kinds of relationships. Help me to handle things with wisdom and care and with my focus on You and You alone.

God You are so special. You bring peace.
Someone told me I would have peace with the decisions I would make, but I see I can have peace in spite of the decision I make, whether I get peace because of my decision or because You just give it to me...

You're just so great! My heart is full of Your love and passion for You! How can anyone live without that and still have the strength to go on? I guess I'm weak, but I don't mind, because You make me strong Jesus.

** Meet us here, in this place **
** Come and fill us with Your power and Your grace **
** We long to see, the nations one **
** Let Your glory fall, Lord let Your kingdom come **
** We crown You Lord of all **

Unpredictable everyone

2005-10-16T18:01:00.000+02:00

Things can go so strange, so different from what you expected.
This can be in your job, school, friends...
Every time again I realize because of the things I see, that we as humans have our own will. You make your own choices and sometimes people make choices you can't do anything about. And we can say that God is unpredictable, but switch your focus to human-beings, they can be pretty unpredictable too! We can be so like God ;-)! You may know a person for several years, but sometimes someone can still do something you didn't think he or she would do, something you couldn't predict.

But fortunately, when God's being unpredictable, you know that He will not hurt you and He does things for your own good. That's so good to know! You may have no clue what's going on or what God is up to this time, but you dó know that God doesn't want to hurt you and that He wants to give you what's best for you!

I want to try to give my best to God and the people around me... I find it hard to make decisions in that sometimes. How do I know what's best?! I really need God's help in this, so that I will make the right decisions, not according to what I think is best, but to what God tells me is best.

God help me with that... Amen.

King Eternal

2005-10-08T12:15:00.000+02:00

God is so worthy of all praise...
I can trust Him completely...
He is always there...

God you are wonderful...
Wonderfully irrational... And I love that!
Completely unpredictable...

So worthy of all praise, You really are God...
To You I give my heart and I know that it will be safe...
You will not break my heart and You fill it with Your dedicated Love...

You're the One I can count on
Through the good and the bad
You only want the best for us

You will give us the best You can give...
if we are patient enough to wait for You
Thank You for Your patience with us!

My King...
My Savior...
My Father...
My Lover...

I believe in Your faithfulness
I believe in Your truth
I believe in Your holy words

Your words speak life into the world
Your truth brings light into our hearts
Your faithfulness gives hope and peace in our minds

Your sacrifice shows Your love for us
On that mountain, You rescued me
And I'll never be the same... because of You Jesus...

I want to be more like You

2005-09-26T10:12:00.000+02:00

Hey!
how are you guys doing ;-)?

I'm doing better than when I wrote my last blog. Something that comes to mind now to picture the contrast of my situation now in comparison to my situation a few months ago:

God really has been teaching me to put my focus on Him in every aspect of my life. That was something I had to get used to, but it wasn't a real fight or struggle or something, I just had to learn to focus on God every day anew during a time a was pretty satisfied with how things in my life were going and I could praise and thank God easily for that.

The thing now is, that at this moment I am not happy with the things that are happening in my life (in general), especially my study. And still God is saying (and of course I knew that already :P): "Focus on Me and not on your situation, even if it is something you want to run away from as fast as you can. You can't do it with your own power or strength, you have to trust Me in this situation too."

'Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD Almighty.

Zechariah 4:6

Yesterday in church it was the verse that came through very clear, along with people who received a word from the Lord about the fact that focussing on your situation has no use, because we cannot see things clear when we do that, and that or focus has to be on God, not the situation.

And on one hand I thought: "yeah, yeah, I know that!" But the fact was, that I wasn't living by that! I was giving my problems and everything to God when I prayed, but after that I was still looking at the things happening around me with the thought: "What am I gonna do?!!"

I want to surrender everything to God, not just a bit, but truly madly deeply!

You know, we can accomplish a lot in our lives by doing things by our own power and insight. But you have to question yourself: is this the right way to go? Can you say about yourself that you have enough wisdom to know what's best for you? I don't.

Only God knows what's best for us

and sometimes that is a totally different image

than what we had in mind.

God knows at what points we still have to grow and what's the place where we can learn that. So... are our problems solved, now we know this? No! But we do know how we can be in certain situations and that the solution to our problems doesn't lie in focussing on the problems and current situation, but in focussing on God. That doesn't mean God will change the situation.

He cán do that... but most of the time, God just wants to change us, because He loves us and want to teach us how to become more like Him.

Struggle

2005-09-19T23:53:00.000+02:00

I don't want to depres anyone with my stories.... so I'll try not to.
There're just some really tough things going on in my life and it's a real struggle. I don't understand a thing of it and I don't have to, I know I can trust God in handling things just fine. The fact is, that I'm not feeling fine at all and that every day feels like a fight. God is giving me the strength to go through them, but yeah... it's hard!!!

So... :'(

Memories

2005-09-14T22:02:00.000+02:00

It's so strange, how certain places, or objects, or smells, or sounds can make you remember a moment back in time.

My memory isn't that good. It's quite bad actually. So trying to remember the easiest things is still a difficult point for me. And I do remember important things that happened in my life and the general story of my life, but most of the time it's just a big mass of vague information about something that happened weeks or months or years ago.
Now the strange thing here, is that sometimes I see or hear or smell something that makes the memory of a certain moment come back and not only the facts about what happened then, but more the feeling at that moment. In some situations that is a good thing and I can enjoy remembering things. But in other situations it's just difficult, because I can also be reminded of things that I tried to forget or that don't effect me in a positive way.

Today I had something like this with mixed feelings. I was in a christian bookstory looking for a new bible and then all of a sudden I saw this bible that I knew and reminded me of a friend of mine. And it just shocked me! I'd never had this kind of reaction before, but I really was like "oh!!!" when I saw that bible and it felt like a tidal wave of emotions came over me. I still feel like that a few hours later.
The reason why I'm having mixed feelings is because it's a good memory, but it also effects me in a sad way, because of the fact that it's "just" a memory...
Well, at this point you might think that this is all very vague and unclear and not leading to anything, but believe me, I understand very little of it myself!

Lord, I pray for Your help in this situation. I don't want to be distracted by memories and pay more attention to them than to You. I lay these memories before Your throne Lord and I trust You in taking care of them. Thank You Jesus for comforting me when I need You, thank You for giving me the love I need. Thank you for giving me the strength to concentrate on more important things and most of all: You! God, I'm so glad that You are in my life and that You are not someone from my memories, but that You last forever! I praise Your name and I ask you for Your wisdom in my life, so that I will know how to handle certain situations. Because You know everything Jesus and You are the only One who can help me! I pray this in Jesus' name. Amen.

and... I'm back again

2005-09-02T23:38:00.000+02:00

What a week, what a week.

It was strange. On monday it was all about getting to know eachother a bit better and learning a bit more about Amsterdam, and it was nice, but at the end of the day I suddenly just had enough of it. I was tired, I didn't really met someone I could really talk with (christians!!) and I felt a bit "alone together"; I was with sooo many people, but still I felt alone... So I took the first bus to the place where I was staying for that week and just went straight to bed.

Well, the rest of the week wasn't really cool... it got better and I met two sweet girls with whom I hang out with most of the time, but the whole week was just about "sitting here, drinking something over there, eating here, doing nothing special in this area, doing nothing interesting over there..." Most of the people liked it and just had fun drinking a lot of beer and going to a party in the evenings, but I didn't really feel like doing that too!! I am proud to say that I didn't drink any alcoholic drinks during that week, although it was offered to me more than once.

But yeah... I keep telling myself that I will be ok and that I will like it in Amsterdam, but it's getting harder and harder to believe that. I enjoyed shopping in Amsterdam and just walking around, but that's it! The "funny" thing is, that I wasn't even on the list of students! They somehow made a mistake and didn't have a schedule for me yet!
Lord, is this a sign..?

I don't know... it's getting even weirder; I'm still getting money from people and I don't know from whom, but I have it here at home or on my bank account and I just don't know what to do with it!! I mean; why am I receiving this? I told everyone that I'm going to Amsterdam...

I would love to get on a plane now and fly to Portland immediately, but it's just impossible. And al those people from Uturn 2005 that are now screaming: "your mission is possible!" can scream as loud as they can... it just doesn't look like a mission that's possible at this moment.
So I am waiting and waiting and praying and praying. God will lead my way, but at the moment I feel like I can't see anything of the way that's in front of me.
And that's hard.

Well, you guys are up to date again ;-). I'm going now.
And er... thanks to the ones who gave me money... you are a bunch of crazy people!! :D

Helloooow

2005-08-31T21:40:00.000+02:00

Hey!

I'm here in Amsterdam in this little very warm internet cafe, and I just wanted to tell the one (or two or three) person(s) who reads my blog that it's fun here in Amsterdam. Not fun as in "woohoo, I'm having a great time!", but fun as in "it's fun".

I met a few nice girls in the group I'm in during this week, so that's... nice :-). And this evening was the best of all! I went to a "praise and worship evening" from a christian (the word that's coming now is probably totally wrong, but you know what I mean:) sorority and that was just what I needed!

But now I'm leaving again, byebyebyebyebye!!

(and thanks to all who write those sweet comments!)

Bye...

2005-08-29T06:51:00.000+02:00

Bye everyone... see ya next week.... (i'm nervous!...!)

God puts His trust in...?

2005-08-28T01:04:00.000+02:00

I recently read something mother Teresa said once:

I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much!

Now my point is not that I want to compare myself to mother Teresa, but just the fact how that sentence is so true. We, as human beings, have sometimes no idea what we're capable of. Sometimes there comes a point where we think "oh, I can't do this!" or "God, that plan is too big for me, just give it to someone who can handle it.."
The fact is: God knows what we are capable of and with God we can do so much! But I sometimes just tend to forget that I am so much stronger than I thought I would be, just because God is with me; that's the only reason I can come up with!

God puts His trust in... Himself. If God would put His trust in us humans, well... do I need to finish this sentence? Human beings aren't perfect, we make mistakes, we make wrong decisions... God would lose His trust so easily if He would put His trust only in us. And that's where Jesus enters the story!! When God looks at us, He sees Christ, because we are in Christ. God puts His trust in the only perfect human being there has ever been: His son. God puts His trust in us, because He knows that we handle things when we are in Christ and when God gives us the power to do those things and through them!

Many things are happening in my life, but one thing I know for sure: God is giving me the strength to go through them and to face any attack the enemy gives me.

Monday I will be in Amsterdam for the whole week! It's called an introduction-week (I heard from someone it's called a "rush" week in America :P) and it's organised by the university I will go to. So yeah, I'm a bit nervous. I heard there will be a lot of partying and beer drinking and so on, so... I am just praying... And God won't give me anything I can't handle! But the scary thing is: I can handle a lot when God is on my side! yikes... that's gonna be a tough week :P!
Enough writing for now, Bedtime!

Here's my life

2005-08-24T13:54:00.000+02:00

To You I give my life
not just the parts I want to
To You I sacrifice
these dreams that I hold on to

Your thoughts are higher than mine
Your words are deeper than mine
Your love is stronger than mine
This is no sacrifice
Here's my life

To You I give the gifts
Your love has given me
How can I hoard the treasures that You've designed for free?

Because
Your thoughts are higher than mine
Your words are deeper than mine
Your love is stronger than mine
This is no sacrifice
Here's my life

To You I give my future
As long as it may last
To You I give my present
To You I give my past

Because
Your thoughts are higher than mine
Your words are deeper than mine
Your love is stronger than mine
Your thoughts are higher than mine
Your words are deeper than mine
Your love is stronger than mine
This is no sacrifice
Here's my life

Jason Upton - No Sacrifice

Short Message

2005-08-21T21:03:00.000+02:00

I'm not really feeling like telling a long story here, but the point is: I will go to Amsterdam.
It's not my first choice and I am still trying to get used to the idea and try to look forward to it again, but yeah, I am working on it!

One thing I know for sure: Wherever I go, whatever I do, God is with me and will bless me with the joy He gave me to bring joy to others.

Thanks God...

Just Praying

2005-08-09T18:05:00.000+02:00

At the moment I'm just praying where God wants me to be and what God wants me to do. The choice between Media&Culture in Holland or Oregon College of Ministry in America is a tough one. Everybody is giving me different advises but only God is wise enough to help me answering this question. It would be great if you could pray for me, even if it is just for a few seconds... thanks!

I can't stand without You God

2005-07-14T23:12:00.000+02:00

It's been a while since I wrote something... jep, I'm busy! Busy and tired. I'm not really used to a job you know! Last week I worked Monday till Friday, from 9 to 5... that's different from going to school, I can tell you that!

Last week my sister Annabel came with me to my work and we took some funny pics with the webcam that's standing there, hehe :D

Ok... I wonder if your now still capable of taking me serious... But yeah... I don't mind!!

So at the moment my vacation doesn't really feel like one, but that'll change soon! I will be leaving for Poland with two friends next Thursday the 21st, weeee!! And in August I will go for holiday with my parents and sister for one week. That will be nice too. My parents really could use some time to relax and not worrying about money or other (not important) stuff. I really hope that they will get the rest they need so badly. I pray that God will give them a week of peace in their hearts, that would be so great...

I've got a lot on my mind too these days, but I thank God for being there for me and showing me the right way. Our God is an awesome God. And I can't stand without God.

Freeee!

2005-07-01T00:27:00.000+02:00

I graduated high school!!
I can hardly believe it, but it's true. Although my second maths exam didn't go very well and I was really doubting wether it was good enough to get the grade I needed, it all turned out just fine ;-).
It feels a bit strange to know that "this was it" and that each of us now goes separate ways. On the other hand I'm so looking forward to all that is coming, there's still so much to do, to learn, to explore.

So... I've got 2 months of vacation now, what am I gonna do?! Well, I will be working a lot, I guess I can use that money for when I go to university... And I will go to Poland Uturn Europe Summercamp, weehooo!! I'm so excited to meet new people and people I haven't seen for a year and to just have one week where I am among youth from all over Europe who just want to get to know God better and spread His love and receive His love and just worship and praise Him no matter what! God will do amazing things this year, just like He does every year and that's the only thing that's predictable. I can tell you God will work in a mighty way, but what that means or what God will do... I really don't have a clue, but that's ok! I know God is good, so I trust Him it'll be ok :D.

Well, I'm very tired now, so I will go to bed, but I will be writing very soon, deal?
Goodnight...

Nijntjeee

2005-06-18T18:28:00.000+02:00

This is the money box my parents gave me for my birthday with some money in it for my videocam!! Great huh :D. This thing is 30cm tall by the way :P

By the freeway!!!

2005-06-18T15:03:00.000+02:00

Ow, and some other news:

I turned 18, woohooooo!!

Today I got my first drivinglesson (it was for free, so that was nice) and I already rode 100 km/h on the freeway, hehe! I only had to steer, step on the gas and use the brakes. The gear shifting and looking in mirrors was my instructors' job. I liked it a lot, but I'm not sure if I will get some lessons immediately, because I don't have that much money at the moment. I'm also saving money for Poland and for a videocam, so... that's a lot of money...

Some oppurtacles and obstaclunities

2005-06-16T20:43:00.000+02:00

Today I got the message that I didn't pass my exams... It's not over yet, I have a last change; I will do mathematics again next wednesday. It kinda came out of nothing, because I was almost sure I would not have to redo any of my exams.
Next to that I'm also busy with a stageplay in which I play one of the leading parts. It's very fun to do, but the performance with public will be next week, so I've got a lot on my mind, because we still need to practice, but now I also have to study for maths again.
Enough to worry about, but I try not to. I know God is there with me and I will learn from every situation.

I just regret the fact that not everybody can see problematic situations in such a way. My parents for example, they worry a lot more about me graduating than I. They feel like I will lose one year of my life if I will not graduate. I won't be happy or something if I will not graduate, but next to that I just see it as an oppurtunity to get to know God better and spend more time with Him, learn other things. There's more to life than your study or job.

I just pray for the people around me who have sorrows and a lot on their mind. I want to encourage them to seek God in their problems and just rest with Him and receive His love. Last year I learned a very important life lesson which said: See opportunities instead of obstacles! I think a few of you know exactly what I'm talking about.

God I want to thank you for your presence in every aspect of my life. Even when the sun doesn't shine, I can come to You and I feel Your warmth in my heart. I pray for those around me, that when they have sorrows, difficulties in life, problems or anything else, You will comfort them and give them Your love and peace. You said: "I will give you rest" and I thank You for being true to that. With all my heart I want to share Your love with those who need it so much. You are a graceful God and I thank you for that. Please fill my heart and the hearts of my family and friends with the desire to speak the truth, to forgive and bless each other. Open our hearts Lord, in Jesus' name. Amen.

A blog from Rome...

2005-06-09T14:17:00.000+02:00

Yeah, I finally found a place to go on the internet and leave a message...
As most of you know, I'm in Rome now and it's beatiful here. The traffic is a mess and the city is so full of people, but the buildings and paintings and statues are just great to see.

I really miss christian friends around me. At this point I am aware of the difference between the way of thinking of a christian and a non-christian. I also realize the change I've been going through since I accepted God in my heart. The desire to love people no matter what they look like or how they behave is really something I miss when I look at the people around me... It's fun to hang around with them, but I still feel different and not in the position to start a deep conversation about living with christ or something.

But God is helping me. By showing me more of His presence in my life and giving me His music in my heart every day, I can deal with the more negative feelings. Yesterday we went to a church and a christian guy asked us if he could tell us something about the paintings we saw. We were standing in a hall were everything was painted, the walls and ceiling. If you were standing exactly in the center of that hall, you could see everything in perfect harmony, but if you would stand on a different place, everything didnàt look like the way it was supposed to look. The man told us that the center of that hall was like a symbol of Christ. If you are in Christ, you are able to see things in the right perspective, but if you're not in Christ, everything does not look the way it is supposed to look. Amen! That was really beautiful and an encouragement for me, also because this man showed the love of Christ, you could see Jesus had touched his heart...

Lord, I want to thank You for always being there, no matter where I am. Thank you for showing you're presence at those moments when things seem hopeless. I ask You for your blessings during this week, especially for the people I am with. Please show them the love You have for them and that receiving Your love is so much more than just going to a beautiful church or looking at paintings of the miracles You did. You are the essence of our lives and I pray that this will be so clear at the end of this week. Thank You for Your goodness and love, I really love You God... Amen.

Still not in Rome

2005-06-02T23:56:00.000+02:00

God is unpredictable
God is beautiful
God is caring
God is faithfull
God is reality
God is smarter than I am :D
God is amazing
God is my Father
God is my Brother
God is my Friend
God is just great
God is the Creator
God is the Healer
God is gracefull
God saves
God is quiet sometimes
God can speak very clear
God leads you in the right direction
God keeps you safe
God opens your eyes
God is living water
God is a giving God
God knows you
God comforts
God is the sunlight shining on us
God is the wind on which we flow
God is joy
God is silence
God forgives
God is alive
God is all the colors of the rainbow

GOD IS THE FIRE IN MY HEART!!
DO I HEAR AN AMEN?!
AMEN!!

God is not someone to thank when things are going well, God is not someone to point your finger at when things go wrong, God is not someone just for advice.
God is the essence of our lives, God is not just a part of our lives, He gave us life and He is our life.
Sometimes, God just becomes a part of our life more like knowing He's there than really really REALLY feeling His love in your heart everyday and not able to imagine life without Him. I thank God for the moments when I am aware of the fact that living with Him is so beautiful and colorful and great. I refuse to ever forget that or not to believe that!

Where did this all come from..? Er.. from God of course!!

Pfew...

2005-06-02T00:21:00.000+02:00

Woohoo! I'm almost done with those exams! It's going well, although Latin and Math weren't very easy... But now I've only got one exam left for Friday: music, ghehe. If there is one subject I don't really need to worry about, it's music . It's a three-hour during test and all I have to do is listen to some music and answer questions like "what instrument is playing the melody here?" or "what's the difference between this and that piece?".
Next Friday we will have a party for everyone who's doing exams this year too. It's really cool, it's kinda like an American prom and we usually don't have that in Holland, so... I'm looking forward to it! Maybe (and I said maybe) I'll post a picture of me in the dress I will be wearing than on my site, but I'm not sure yet... Guess I will pray about that, hehe !

And about my study for next year... I already (well... finally) signed in!! It's called Media&Cultuur (media&culture, yes, that was easy, dutch isn't so difficult...) and it's in Amsterdam, which means that I have to travel two hours from here to Amsterdam and than again two hours back everyday. Because I don't think I like the idea of doing that the whole upcoming year, I will probably be looking for a room in or near Amsterdam. For the interested ones: English site and Dutch site about the study.

What else do I have to tell... well, that I will be in Rome with my class from June 6th till June 14th!! So that includes my birthday, because that is the 11th of June (*hint*hint* for the ones who forgot or didn't know :P). Next to the fact that it will be great in Rome, it also means that I can't blog in that period, so... this might be the last blog before I will go to Rome, boohoo! (Guess I am the only one who's sad about that)
Last thing I want to say:

Final Exams!!

2005-05-24T01:02:00.000+02:00

Ok, within a few hours, I will have my first exam! It's History... And I am sooo nervous... I'm not that nervous for an exam usually, but this is a very important one and I really feel like I have no clue what it is about. In general I know it, but don't ask me details please. The two subjects are: The cotton industry development in Lancashire and the rest of the world and The Vietnam war and how the US got involved in it. Yeeah, I know what the subjects are, *sigh*...

It's 1:12AM now, so I'd better go to bed instead of blogging my frustrations. But I don't think I will sleep very well with the idea of screwing up my exam...
After History I will have a Dutch exam, I think that will go better, that's not so difficult, so we've got a ray of light here!

I'm going, probably studying some more...

Little miracles!

2005-05-19T17:53:00.000+02:00

Just look at these little cuties!! Little miracles from God...
They're called "koolmees" in dutch, but when I looked it up in my dictionary, it said the translation was "great tit(mouse)" ... right.

Well, whatever they're called, we had three little ones in our back-garden and the photo down here shows the one that fell out of his nest and on my fathers hand! Aaaah....
They were sooo cute... !! Just look at the pictures down here ;-).

Tomorrow is the CleansingStream weekend, so I'm very excited. I have no idea what it will be like, so... You'll hear it a.s.a.p.
In general I'm feeling a bit better, but I'm a bit worried about the upcoming exams, starting next Tuesday. I still have a lot of learning to do and not so much time left. It's gonna be interesting...

Happy Happy Joy Joy

2005-05-12T23:22:00.000+02:00

Amsterdam is a great city. The lecture I went to was very interesting too. But still, I am not sure about the study, *sigh*... Well, the only thing I can do now is wait and keep my eyes and ears open in focussing on God, so I'll just keep doing that.

Within a little more than a week I will have the Cleansing Stream weekend. I try to keep my eyes on Jesus even more, because I notice all different things coming at me distracting me from what's really important. Having spiritual warfare a few weeks before this weekend was kinda predictable, but it's still there! All of a sudden I've got money issues, moodswings and my weaknesses are definitely more present. It's a struggle with myself mostly... And I could use prayer...

I would love to say I'm doing perfectly fine, but the fact is that my mind is so busy and full of thoughts that I'm am literally getting tired of it. Weird enough, I still feel God's joy in me even more these past days. So although there are things that make me feel miserable, God still shows He is with me, so I really thank Him for that. On the other hand, hardly anyone is able to see that I'm struggling with some things, because I look so happy! Stupid huh?

Well, I just need some time with God now. I've spend more than enough time behind my computer and doing other things today. I wanna pray and then go to bed, hmmmm, sleeping... zzz... Thank You God, Amen.

Don't worry about the future

2005-05-08T23:00:00.000+02:00

Tomorrow I am going to Amsterdam with Basje (=Basak, that great girl on the photo's from my last blog)!! I will go to the University of Amsterdam to join a lecture from the study I am interested in and I'm very excited. On one hand I really hope that I will like it and that I finally will be able to choose my study for next year. On the other hand I feel that I am a little afraid... I don't really know why. I guess it has something to do with the awareness of making a decision for the upcoming years. I mean, it's an important decision and it will determine how part of my future will look like.

I know that I can not make seriously wrong decisions. Some are better than others, but every morning again, I try to fix my eyes on Jesus and with that thought on my mind I know God will protect me from everything that's going wrong in my life and that God will lead me to everything good He has for me.
I am that kind of person (and I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one) that tries to make a certain picture of her future. But in the two/three years of being christian, I should know that that is impossible... You don't even need to be a christian to know that, although non-christians are quite good in turning situations to their hands instead of God's way.

So there are two different things I am saying: The first one is that I am affraid to make a decision for my future, the second one is that I try to create my future in my mind, I try to make a picture of how my future will look like. Creating a future in phantasy isn't difficult (for me at least). Making the real future is more challenging. God has a future for me, but I don't think He's that kind of God that grabs me in my neck, places me before the building of the university I am supposed to go to and then says: "Look! That's your future! Tadaaaa! Do you like it?" Where is the word trust in this all? The words relationship and friendship? Those two last words are being created by the first one. Trust God in making decisions and in everything else in life and you will develop an intimate relationship and friendship with Him.

Wow... So that means, it's not about the decision I make, but about the way I handle things and they way I involve God in this proces... And God knows me better than I know myself, so if I just let Him lead me in my future, He has got the best for me! And now all pieces are falling together... The idea that went through my mind these past days was about the fact that I don't know what's good for me. Only God knows. And sometimes I think I know what is good for me and draw conclusions. As in "That study is too boring for me, so I should not do that".
If I let God be my guide, then He will lead me to the next step and the only thing I have to do is take that step. I don't have to worry about the consequences or the effects of that step. I don't have to brainstorm about where that step will lead me. God will lead me... He will be clear about His plans for my life, no doubt.

I'm sorry if this was a very confusing, weird story, but while I was writing things became clearer for me, so... wiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii !!! THANK YOU GOD !!! *big smile!!*

Can't wait till tomorrow... And I don't have to worry about it!!

Wiiiiiiiiii

2005-05-03T12:25:00.000+02:00

I am sure I had a great day yesterday! I went to Basak a friend of mine who I don't get to see very often and we had a lot of fun :D. I'll just let the photo's speak for themselves...

No school anymore

2005-04-29T23:27:00.000+02:00

YEEEEEEEJ!!! Yesterday was my last real schoolday!! It's so weird, because it seems so onreal. I mean, I went to this school for 6 years and all of a sudden it's "over" and I've had my last lesson (which was history class btw...). Next week is one week holiday and the two weeks after that consist of facultative lessons and a lot of studying, becaus on May the 24th, the so called Central Exams will start and those are very important if I want to graduate!

Tomorrow is the queens feast of the Netherlands, so I have to get up early, because I have to play saxophone in the orchestra I am playing in. Playing saxophone is fun, but it becomes less funny when you have to get up early on Saturday!! But yeah, It'll be nice and I'm probably going to Rotterdam in the afternoon with friends, so I hope the weather will be nice too.

If it comes the choise for my next study, I think (THINK!) that I'm getting closer... There's this study in Amsterdam which I like very much when I read about it, but I still haven't been there, so that's my plan for the next week. I will go there with a friend of mine and... we'll see what happens. There's of course a chance that when I am there, it turns out to be not as great as I thought it would be. BUT, the other chance is that it is the perfect study for me :D. I just pray that God will lead me on this and that He will show me what's right and wrong. And I know He will, because He's been doing that a lot in my life lately. Thank You Jesus...

A lot happened

2005-04-16T22:48:00.000+02:00

The past days have been a bit strange...

On Tuesday my dad got to the hospital with an ambulance, because he had so much pain in his tummy that he was really screaming, so that kinda scared me of course. At first, the doctors thought that he had stones in his kidneys, so they had to make a scan to know for sure and my dad needed to stay in the hospital till the next day. After another stay overnight, it turned out that there was nothing to see on the scan and that it probably was a clot of blood in that area. My dad is home now and feeling fine again, but the idea that it might happen again and maybe in some other part of his body is not a very calming idea...

Next to that, I was practicing for a music evening at my school, which was yesterday. We (the other members of my non-official band and I :P) picked the two songs only one or two weeks ago, so it was a bit stressfull to get it all right in such a short time! Another stressing fact was, that we didn't have a drummer and the pianist we thought we'd have called us two days before that he was not able to come... But fortunately there were two friends who played the piano and percussion that were there to help us out, thanks again!!
So it went fine :D. The first song didn't go totally perfect, but the great thing was, that no one knew that song, hehe. So I don't think that a lot of people noticed it. I really loved to sing the second song we did (Seal-Crazy), so that made it a lot easier to stay calm and just have fun making music!

I was supposed to go to work today, but I woke up this morning at 4:00AM and I felt really sick. I had to throw up and could not sleep anymore, so that wasn't really great. I think it was because of all the things I had on my mind this last week and the late times I went to bed :P. I'm still not feeling very well, but I just wanted to write this all down and think about what happened this week.

yeah... I'm going to pray now, I am really learning the difference between not living with God and living with God and I totally prefer the last one. Last week was a week full of things that happened and had a big impact on how I felt en I just forgot to take my time with God, which led to a week without rest and logical thinking. I so need God, He's wonderfull :-). If I would not have been sick today, I would still be busy with everything but God. So thank You God that I was sick today, so that I can come to You again :P!!

Conclusion:

Not everything bad happening is as bad as it looks like. Maybe God is just teaching you something!!!

See you

2005-04-10T13:01:00.000+02:00

Yep, it's me again. (who else)

Just went back from the hospital. It was so strange... How do you say "farewell" to a person who is still alive? Well, we didn't!! She's such a great person, we just sat there and although she's very sick, she's still able to talk and make jokes and stuff. We discussed the funeral (I will be playing saxophone then, because I used to teach her saxophone and it was a real passion of her), but the greatest thing I saw there was the love of God.
She and her husband are both christians and it's just so clear that God is carrying them during this period. She has got so much pain and the last year was a year full of sorrow and still she's holding on to God and praising Him for everything good in her life... God has given her the great ability to see the positive aspects in everything that happens, wether it's nice or not, isn't that amazing?! Her husband told me something she said to him about being thankfull that when she will be gone, he still has got his children around him so he won't be all alone.

I just don't know what to say... Many christians should have her as an example. For most people it's always easy to see everything that's going wrong or that is not right in their lives, but with her it's just the other way around. Why would you criticize all the bad stuff in your life when you can thank and praise God for all the good things He is doing?? (I know, it's easy to say, but it's true!)

Well, to end this blog: we didn't say "farewell".
We said: "See you ;-)"

Tired...

2005-04-10T02:53:00.000+02:00

I don't know why I am blogging right now. It's 2.50 am at the moment and I just had a concert with my orchestra this evenin'. After that I just had fun with friends from the orchestra and danced and drank some beer. And because I don't drink beer very often and very much, I started to get a little dizzy after three beers in... one hour I guess...
I'm still a little dizzy at the moment and everything is going much slower than usual. My brains too.. (slower than usual?? is that possible?? yes.)

Tomorrow I'm going to the hospital. A great person I got to know two years ago is in the hospital because of cancer and the docters are saying she's got less than 3 weeks to live... I used to give her saxophone lessons, and that was always a great thing to do, because she's so happy and full of energy all the time. Just great to see. But yeah... I was asked to play saxophone at her funeral and I said I will do that, but it's just so strange... She's still alive now, but we're already planning how her funeral will be like...

Well, I'm just too tired to talk more about it, but I just wanted to share it. Maybe you guys can pray for her and her family (husband & three children), that would be nice... Thnx.

Relationship

2005-04-04T13:06:00.000+02:00

At the moment, there are just so many things running through my mind that I just kinda let them flow and try not to focus on all of them. I'm really enjoying the weather and that defenitely affects my mood in a very positive way! At the same time, I often have headaches, and not very serious ones, but it's just not very... amusing. I think I'm going to see a doctor within a week or two, because I really want to know if it's only because I'm stressed or something or if there's another reason.

Interesting subject: God is teaching me about relationships. I fall in love way too easy and God asked me the question if I would call something like that réal love.

I guess it's not. I know it's not.

You can fall in love with almost every guy (or girl, for the guys who are reading this) that is nice to you, looks nice or something else that makes you like that person. But the fact that I am single, does not mean that I have to look at every guy as a potential boyfriend or someone I could fall in love with. What would my love be worth for that one person I would finally choose to share my life with? If I would tell him that I love him, what meaning would that have, if I had told that same thing to dozens of guys I was in a relationship with before him? If I already kissed a dozen of guys before I was with him? (For the record: I'm not saying that that's my reality, although I know that it's almost getting normal to live like that in the society we're heading to these days).
I think people are capable of controlling their love (or lust!) feelings for someone else, but these days we all want things to be easy, so if you're starting to fall in love with someone, why not give in to that feeling? Love is great right? Yes, it is!! But not if you handle it like a product you can buy, try out and bring back to the store to buy something else if you didn't like it. So many love relationships arise from selfish motives. I love that person, I want that person to love me, I want that person to take care of me. But if I would go into a relationship with that state of mind, would I be aware of the things that happen in the heart of my partner? Would I care about his feelings or only about my feelings?

Well, I see that it's such a large subject that I could talk about it for hours. I still have not totally figured out the ríght way to handle it, but I already am aware of some wrong ways, so that's nice, hehe :D.

The number one rule for any relationship is: place God on number 1! Pray together, ask God for advice and guidance in your relationship as friends or as boy- and girlfriend. I can not imagine how I could have a relationship with someone who doesn't believe in God. Of course, it is possible, but it would make things so much harder. If you would find any problems within your relationship, you would not be able to pray together and listen to God's voice. If you would make a certain decision because God told you to do that, try to explain that to your partner...

God is number one in my life and always will be. I pray that He will lead me on this subject and I know He will, because He already is leading me! I really want to follow His ways, because God's ways are gooood!

Now I think it's time to sit in the sun and relax. Yep, that's what I'm gonna do!

Sunshine :D

2005-04-01T12:31:00.000+02:00

Lalalalalala, the sun is shining!!!!!!! Wiiiiiiii!!!!

No clue

2005-03-27T16:00:00.000+02:00

I'm driving myself crazy... I still have no clue what study I will be doing next year, so I decided to search some more on the internet. That changed my mood from "Wiii, it's Easter!!" to: "*deep sigh*.... there is no good study for me!!"

I was searching on a site which has all the different studies in its database and it all seemed quite hopefull at first. They got the option to search by interests, professions, keywords, etc. But than the real search started and I found out that the few studies I liked a little bit were not an option because of a few reasons:

1. I needed to apply before the 1st of March or any date that already past.
2. It requiered that I have had certain subjects, which I have not.
3. It had a entrance examination to which I will not be able to pass, because it requiered a lot of preparation and I would never be able to put it all right in time...

It's not fair. I don't know what, but it is just not fair :(. Can anyone find me a study which has got something to do with music, politics, media, design and maths?!! I don't want a study to be only theoritical, I also want to dó something. And going to America for example would be nice. It's a challenge to find something that fits in this profile, hehe :D. The one who finds the perfect study for me will get..... a lot of thankfullness from me!! (and a dinner for two at McDonnalds maybe, hehe :D)
The fact that I am sick and tired of school at the moment also plays a big part in my opinion and not in a good way. I just have no clue anymore...

This sucks. Can someone help me?! Prayer would be nice...

Easterrr

2005-03-25T12:03:00.000+01:00

So, Easter is coming up. Someone asked me what I would be doing next Sunday and Monday. Well, not much probably. I am sooo happy that my exams are over and now I've got nothing to do, I'm making a problem of that, hehe. It's not really a problem, I love the fact that I can relax a little bit at the moment after a stressfull time at school.

But yeah... celebrating Easter with my parents and sister will not be exactly the way I would like it to be. It'll probably be kinda superficial; painting eggs, doing easter-stuff that has got nothing to do with the real message of Easter: a time to celebrate the life and resurrection of Jesus Christ! Painting eggs can be fun too, right... :S? It's not that I want to have a prayer session the whole day or something, but just that they would realize what Easter really really means, that my parents would feeeel the love Jesus has for them and the sacrifice He made.

I have got the Uturn-dvd!!! (for the ones who have no clue what it's about: Uturn-Europe Summercamp is a yearly camp for christian youth all over Europe to learn about God and themselves, but also to have a lot of fun together!) It was so great to see the people I met there again and it was also very encouraging. A verse that was said on that dvd really touched me, it was from Jeremia 29:11

"For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "they're plans for good, not for harm, they're plans to give you a future and a hope!"

And that's as true as it can be. God is in control of everything and He wants us to enjoy life as He created it and to live the life He planned for us. "don't forget that evy!!" I won't...

Bedtime now, I would loooove to chat more, but I have to get up early, so I'd better go sleeping now. Goodnight everybody :-)

Try to stay awake while reading this

2005-03-21T16:36:00.000+01:00

Heeeeey! I want to blog, but I've got absolutely no idea what I want to write... I know that I don't want to talk about school (is that so weird?) and I don't want to talk about what I will be doing after I finished school. So.

Let's talk about the weather then! The sun is shining today, but the trees are still leaveless and it's not very warm. I might be able to get a tan when I lay down in our backyard, but that would take a few hours I guess... Interesting huh?
I would loooove to take a nap now (because I'm so tired of school, but I would not mention that word), but I'm a little afraid I won't be able to wake up until tomorrow morning. And will be baby-sitting tonight, so that's no good idea.
I finally finished my music workpiece! Oh, shoot, that's about school again...
So, if I'd tell you that I'm free of school next Thursday and Friday, would you see that as talking about school...? Well, I mentioned it anyway so it doesn't matter.
I'm so sorry if I made you sleepy because of my incredibly interesting subjects, but yeah, that's the risc you're taking when you decide to start reading this :D. Maybe I should add a warning post on top of my blog... I'll think about it.

My room is a mess. But I don't feel like cleaning it up. Writing about useless things is more fun, hehe. "But evy, what about responsibility?? You can't always do only the things you like!" Ai... What was that? I didn't hear that I guess.. what? resp.. what? I've never heard of that word in my entire life. Well... I do have heard about it. I believe it is something adults should have and ehm... something I am supposed to be learning? Becoming older has it's positive and negative aspects, but I think I cannot call that 'the lesson of today', because everyone already knows that already.

This post sucks. Should I delete it? Well, than aaaaallll the effort I putted in writing it would be for nothing! And that activity would even be more useless than the subjects of my post. I'd better stop writing right now and post it. Done. You see?

If someone was very frustraded because of the not interesting subjects of today...

Come up with something interesting I can write about or just shut up!! :D

Long one

2005-03-18T00:30:00.000+01:00

I wanted to dedicate this post to.... God! It was about time, hehe.

So... where would I be without Him? Probably still at school, but how would my thoughts, my way of looking at life be?

...
...

(thinking for 5 minutes now and I still can not think of how to describe life without God)

He has become such a part of my life the past 2 years. I have made some good decisions with His help which I probably wouldn't have made out of myself. I have ended some bad decisions because he showed me the death it lead to. How can people live their lifes without an Adviser? I mean, people can give you advise, but that's from a subjective perspective most of the time and influenced by the situation at that moment. Is there anyone in the whole world that can give a good advise, based on what's going to happen in the future? No. And you know why? First of all, no one in this world is perfect, how perfect some people might look. Second of all, we can not see what will happen in the future if you make this or that decision. Only God can give perfect advise. He looks at situations from is comfortable seat up in the heavens, and is not standing in the middle of all the chaos going on in our lives.

Some advice He has already given, and you can put that in practice, no matter what situation you are in. Some of the most important: love God, love others, honor your mother and father. No matter what! Even if your parents or friends don't or didn't treat you right, God says: "love them!"
And God will give you His love in return. A love that no other human being is able to give you out of itself. Exodus 20:6 says:

But I'm unswervingly loyal to the thousands who love me and keep my commandments
(the Message)

Sometimes it can be hard to do the right thing. It could get you in to trouble. But don't you think that if God tells you what's the right thing to do and you do it, He will say: "well, I'm glad you did the right thing, now you've got to deal with the consequences yourself" Of course not! If you reach out to Him with all your sorrow and problems, He will be there with His love.
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 says:

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn't want what it doesn't have.
Love doesn't strut,
Doesn't have a swelled head,
Doesn't force itself on others,
Isn't always "me first,"
Doesn't fly off the handle,
Doesn't keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn't revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

Well, It's bedtime now I guess, God, this one was for You! :D hihi.
(I still want the sun back... someone is hiding it right? can I borrow it for a day please? I miss the sun...)

Rebuilding

2005-03-15T18:18:00.000+01:00

Sometimes, things just don't go the way you planned them to go. And you regret that it turned out that way, but it did. Would it be a solution to just leave the past behind, pretend nothing bad happened and look into the future? It is á solution, but is it the best...?

Feelings and mind can make it really hard to make a right decission, because they often are a contradictory. Here is a comparison:
If your house is blown away in a storm and you have to rebuild it, you wouldn't FEEL like braking it down first, before you start rebuilding it again. But with COMMON SENSE you would knów that if you would rebuild your house on the ruins that are left, it would collapse soon.
What would you choose?
A good feeling for a short time, because you don't have to put a lot of effort in the work? Wouldn't you always be afraid that the house would collapse? If you would listen to your mind and thán be able to rebuild the house, you could be sure about the fact it would be a strong house forever, because it has a good foundation and it got through a rough time.

This is something that has been keeping me thinking for the past few months. Sometimes you'd rather don't look back on things that happened. But if you don't confront yourself with it, who are you fooling then?

The books of Nehemia describe the rebuilding of the wall of Jerusalem. How impossible it seemed to do that, but with Gods help, protection and blessing they díd it. God is a faithfull God and if your heart reaches out to Him, to do the right thing, He will bless you. Because He is a caring Father. He does not want to punish people for the wrong things they did, He wants to bless them in the good things they do. Amen.

Sun! Where are you?

2005-03-14T17:22:00.000+01:00

And Evy was working as hard as always for school. Exams are starting tomorrow and I also have to finish a paper by tomorrow. The paper is almost finished now, but the exam for tomorrow... what is it about?!

Everytime I have to concentrate for study or something like that, something else happens and I can not focus at all anymore. But... then God is there. And He makes all my homework. Too bad it doesn't work like that. I guess I did mention that earlier :D. But God ís helping me to stay focussed and to get the rest I need between all the studying and working. When I'm in a hurry to get something finished I always think "well, God can wait now, first I have to finish this", but then I forget that God is the one who gives me the strength and calmness to finish everything. So I'm trying to put that in practice.

I'm having a lot of spiritual warfare since I began with CleansingStream. I have got a lot of ups and downs in my mood and so one hour I can be sooo happy and the next hour be crying on my bed. There definitely are some things I'm struggling with! Some I know of and some I don't know of. But the one thing I know for sure, is that I've got to stick to God and that I have some incredible friends standing next to me who are always there to help, thnx guys!

Btw, I miss the sun! Sun come back... pleeeaase? Does anybody know where the sun is?

Bedtime

2005-03-12T00:08:00.000+01:00

I guess people make mistakes. We can't be perfect no matter what we try. And even when the actions of a person doesn't seem right in your eyes, who are we to judge his way to handle things...? We all do what we think is best and when it turns out that that one thing wasn't the best decision we could make, we can learn from it and never do it again. I need to learn to leave things behind, mistakes I made, wrong things I did without thinking about the consequences. I tend to point at the mistakes of others, while I am not perfect either. I hate that about myself and I really want to change that.

The beginning of Matthew 7 says:

1 Do not judge so that you will not be judged.
2 For in the way you judge, you will be judged; and by your standard of measure, it will be measured to you.
3 Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?
4 Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' and behold, the log is in your own eye?

I'm sorry if I made the mistake to point at your mistakes...

God Speaks

2005-02-27T16:10:00.000+01:00

Some of you might probably know that I am struggling with the question "what to do after I graduate?". Last year I was pretty sure that I wanted to study Maths, but at the moment... I have no idea. Really no idea. There is not a single study that I like, so it's totally up to God.

I asked God for His help in this situation in particular. He knows my heart. He knows what's best for me, so I am praying and waiting for His answer. But the difficult part is, that I have to sign up for a study within two months and I tend to start feeling a little worried about the time it would take before God will answer.

So now I get to the point where I was heading to: this morning in church, someone had a picture from God about someone who was holding on to a rope and waiting for Gods help. It was the comparison of a person that needed Gods help and answer in a specific situation (ehm... me?) and God said: "I will answer soon, be patient."

And last night I prayed to God: "God, please talk to me tomorrow! I just need a confirmation to know that you're aware of my problem!" Yes, I am headstrong, hehe. Even though I know that God is aware of everything going on in my life, I still needed to hear it again... And God let me hear it!

So that's it for now. Got a lot to do for school and within a few weeks, months (years?!) I will let you all know what I will be doing after I'm finished with school. Already looking forward to Gods perfect plan!

Just read it

2005-02-26T16:57:00.000+01:00

This sucks. I told my mum and dad today about the CleansingStream course I'm doing. Nothing interesting, you might think, but the fact is, that I already went twice to the course, but still didn't tell my parents. So actually I lied. And I feel so stupid. I'm a christian, doing a christian course and trying to be the perfect christian towards my parents and than I lie.
I was afraid to tell them about CleansingStream, because they might say it's not a good idea because my school is more important. They just see things differently than I do. I see CS as something very important which can help me with getting more structure in my life and in that way, help me with school. So now I dissapointed my parents and probably damaged the way they were starting to look at me and my faith, my God. "Small" sins can have big consequences...

When I try to live for You without You

2005-02-24T20:18:00.000+01:00

Lately I've been busy thinkin'
And this is what's been on my mind
It seems like all I do is work for You, Lord
But I feel empty on the inside

I know that work is an important part
Oh but this is also true
My dilemma is an issue of the heart
When I try to live for you without you

I don't need to try to be
The flawless example
Lifted up for everyone to see
I don't need to stand and shout it
" Hey I've got the answer!"
If your presence is living in me
I won't need to talk about it
In a church committee
For the world to know the truth
All I need to do is just be me
Being in love with you

I've been spending all my time
And all my efforts trying
to make you proud of what you see
But to my great surprise I have realized
Nothing that I do can change your love for me

Beautiful song from Big Daddy Weave. Describes me at the moment...

Thoughts kan make you tired.

2005-02-23T23:30:00.000+01:00

I'm feeling a little "daydreamy" today...

Got out of my bed this morning at 8.30AM (wow!) and went jogging for half an hour. I thought it would be nice to have that time for myself to think about the things happening in my life at the moment. The truth was, that I was paying more attention to controlling my breath than reflecting current thoughts and concerns.

Tried to take some time alone after jogging by taking a bath while the rest of the family was still asleep, but I felt so sleepy when I lay in that warm water... So I tried to get out of the bath as fast as I could, because I don't like falling asleep under water.

Third try; I putted my clothes on and went downstairs to have a cup of coffee and sit down at the couch. It seemed to work, till the moment my dad and sister woke up. Gone quiet moment.

In the afternoon I went to Rotterdam with a good friend of mine to shop, eat, watch a movie, you know what I mean ;-). It was really fun, but my mind seemed to go its own way, which was a bit troublesome for me, because with all those thoughts running through my mind it was a bit difficult to follow the conversation some times.

I am home now. Feels like I had a busy day, while it was pretty relaxed actually. Thoughts can make you tired and I really feel the need to bring them all to God now. I don't want to go to bed with my head still on full power so I will be awake till 5 o'clock in the morning... no thanks. Talking to God is a better way and I think forget a little bit to put God on the first place today. I tried to hard to get my mind straight myself and when it crossed my mind to pray I felt more like: "yeah, I'll be right there God, wait a minute." That minute has become a day now, so it's about time now.

Bye everyone, Hi God!

Sax on Sunday

2005-02-22T15:09:00.000+01:00

Playing saxophone for the first time on Sunday went ok :-). It was kinda weird to play before an audience but not fór the audience. God lead me in playing and I needed that. I thought that I would be nervous, but I wasn't nervous at all. The only thing that made me a little bit nervous was the fact that I was standing in front of our pastor. I know that he loves the sound of saxophones and that he has always wanted to have one in our community. So there I was standing with my saxophone... "hi there :D"

But yeah, it was special. I am sure that I could do this a lot more often!

Just some thinking

2005-02-12T21:58:00.000+01:00

I just wanted to write something before I go to bed. Don't really know what to write about, but when I start writing, there will probably appear some kind of story ;-).

Today wasn't very nice... Yesterday I had a saxophone lesson in Tiel, that's a 2 hour trip by train from Rotterdam and when I came home I felt sick, so I went to bed early. I was supposed to go to work today, but I still felt miserable, so I stayed home. Please don't ask me what I did today, it is a mix of sleeping, waking up, sleeping, eating, sleeping, and so on. Not very interesting. I am feeling a bit better now, but I still feel this irritating headache, grrr...

Tomorrow will be the first time I play saxophone in the worship team on sunday. When I was asked to play this sunday I really was like: "yeah of course! wiii, finally!". But now, at the night before playing, I am more calm about it. It will be different from playing alone in my room or with a few people of the worship team on monday. All I know is that I want to play for God tomorrow morning and not for all the people who are standing there and will look at me because "I am new". And I think that will be harder than I can imagine right now, because I have this tendency to prove myself, even when people already know what I am capable of.
I don't know how to react if people will come to me after the service to say that I can play well (or not :P), just because "playing well" isn't the point when you worship God. It's about your heart. Even when the music sucks at sunday I can still worship God and give Him all that is within me. I just change the way I express that love by going from singing to playing saxophone.

Well, I will tell you how it went ;-). Sleepy now...

God can play saxophone

2005-02-08T18:20:00.000+01:00

Sometimes I tend to forget things I have heard a dozen times.

Yesterday, God showed me I was thinking in a wrong way when it comes to hearing His voice. Last week I was struggling with something and I prayed for it everyday and read my bible to see if I could get an answer from God about that specific problem. And I was a little bit dissapointed when, after a week, I didn't get one single response from God. I was really like: "God! I am reading my bible, I am praying, what else can I do to focus on You and to try to hear Your voice?!" And when I look at it now, it's so stupid and I don't know how I came to the point of thinking that it depends on me wether God speaks to me or not, but that way of thinking ended yesterday. I was at a gathering of the worshipteam and we were praying for someone and God gave me a picture for that person. And I really felt that God picked that moment to speak to that person, because it was the right moment. And only God knows, what's the right moment. Conclusion: I thought I knew what was the right moment for God to help me with my problems, but sometimes I need to let go of a problem or a question and let God decide the moment to answer and help me with that problem. I also know that when I pray about something, He is already helping me, but I can not always see or feel it.
I have always known this and people have preached it many times, but sometimes I forget all this because I focus too much on a problem. I need to focus on helping people, thanking God, worshipping God, giving His love to my family and other people around me and than everything will be allright. Well... God says everything will be allright, so I just have to trust Him, hehe. And He is the most honest "person" in the world, so I can trust Him.

Another thing; I played saxophone for the second time with the worship team yesterday and I am learning a lot about that too. I didn't have any notes, so I just had too play by the feel. By the feel of God to be precise :D. I really was insecure, but it went well and even though I played some wrong notes (I really hate that!), I had a good feeling about it, because I tried to focus on God while making music and let Him lead me. Wiiiiiii !! That's cool. So actually God was playing the sax, hehe.

That's cool.

( By the way: take a look at Uturn Europe Summercamp. )

Yeah!

2005-02-05T15:19:00.000+01:00

Two people have read my blog already... I am happy... yeaaaah...

I feel...

2005-02-04T19:45:00.000+01:00

...like I don't know what to do while I've got plenty of things that I could do.
...like nobody ever reads my blog (which is probably a fact instead of a feeling)
... that God is helping me in times of need
... like every non-christian I know thinks I'm weird when it comes to my 'view on life'
... like some people say they like me, but they don't
I know... there are some people who mean what they say... I know that...
I feel... that the closer I come to God, the heavier the warfare gets
... sick. Pain in my legs, pain in my back, pain in my head.
... I want to fight for God no matter what
... I don't know what to feel! There are just so many thoughts running through my mind and I really want to focus on God, but I can't! Every time I try to go to God, to talk to Him and praise Him, it feels like I'm being dragged away from it...

I already typed something new and backspaced it again for like 10 times now, I came to the conclusion that I could describe everything that's holding me back from God or everything that's not going as I want it to, but the fact is: I need prayer and I need to pray myself. I need God. And the other side can do everything to make me believe that I cannot go to God and that I don't have time to pray or whatever, it's just not true. I have to fix my eyes on Jesus and not on everydays' problems, because that's 'the world' and God is standing above that, waiting for me with His arms wide open... Hmmz... that sounds good, hehe. I'm such a whiner!

I hope my next blogs will be a little bit more hopeful and happy and "Hallelujah, God saves!!".
I'm sure they will be ;-).
That's it for now, love you all (and by "all" I mean: all those thousands of people who read my blog of course).

Organise

2005-01-26T13:02:00.000+01:00

Sometimes it feels like my life is a mess. When I look at it globally, it seems so well organised: I go to school, monday till friday, and in the afternoon I go home and have some time for other things. Working on saturday, going to church on sunday. That doesn't sound messy, does it? But all the little details I didn't add can really make it a badly arranged eh... something. Next to that, there is the fact that I am very good at arranging things badly...

Well, now my examperiod is over, I looking at five workpieces I have to finish very soon. I'm studying very hard for a practical music exam, but that's the fun part of it. I also have to write some papers for maths and dutch and I have to analyse a musical piece, which I find very difficult...

Other details: birthdays, baby-sitting (yes, I need money), playing saxophone in an orchestra, cleaning up my room (I'm really traumatised by that), getting saxophone lessons, MEETING FRIENDS!! It's so stupid when I see that there are just a few little things in my life that keep my busy and that already can make me go nuts, because I think I am too busy... Last year I was busy. I was doing so much next to my school and also at school, that I didn't have any spare time left. But now, I do have spare time left, but when I have it, I am so happy, that I just don't do anything, so I am not using it very well. Instead of making homework or answering mail or something like that, I just go and watch tv or surf on the internet. And I feel so stupid at the end of the day, when I look back at what I've done that evening (nothing).

And of course, it's not wrong to relax and watch tv, but not too much. I'd better take some time with God!! But yeah... I am trying really hard to change this bad habit. I am praying, but I also know that nothing is gonna happen if I don't start trying to change my life. It hás to change. And it wíl change!! Because with God on my side, I am strong!! Hihi

School is almost starting again. Sorry I am talking so much about it... Next time I will try to be a little bit more interesting, hehe

Truth

2005-01-21T23:02:00.000+01:00

Lord, I ask You to increase Your truth in the hearts of the people I love and everyone else. Let there be no dark corner in their hearts with lies that deny Your truth. You are powerfull Lord, please reveal Your power, truth and love to them. Touch their hearts God!!! Come Holy Gost, and fill them with joy!! So they will feel and see and hear Your greatness and goodness. Because You are goood Lord, You are great, You are almighty, You are the risen Lord and I thank You with all my heart for the sacrifice You made on that cross. Thank You Jesus that we can be perfect in Gods eyes, because of Your sacrafice. I pray that one day, my family and my friends will see that You Jesus, are the only one that can give real peace and truth. Because Your truth is so important... The truth is so important... What's life without You? Why do people live their life, without even knowing what's Your purpose for their life?! God, help me to show Your love to them, open their eyes and let them see Your glory and beauty. In Jesus' name. Amen.

Getting some rest

2005-01-19T13:30:00.000+01:00

Sow... it has been a little while. Today is the last day of my second examination-period. Within one hour I will be making the last exam for today... Latin! I am a little bit worried, because I'm not really good at it and my marks for Latin till now haven't been very good, so the pressure of making this test good is quite high.

This morning I had to write an article about Cultural Identity for English. Well, it wasn't so hard, I like English! Yesterday I had to write a letter for German-language and that didn't go to bad too. But mathematics and civics didn't go very well... I don't have the results yet, but I don't need that to tell that they aren't very good.

But let's talk about God!! That's way more interesting and important than school, hehe. God is teaching me to involve Him in every aspect of my life. Every decision I make, everything I do. I'm learning to be aware of the fact that He is always with me and that He sees everything I do.
I'm hungry for that intimate relationship with my God and I think God is willing to help me :-). So that's the learning process I'm in at the moment.

I'm listening to a song at the moment and there is this girl that's singing about the boy she loves:

everything you say is true
totally rely on you
I swear I'd give, everything i have to you
totally belong to you

That's how I am learning to see God. Totally rely on Him. How great that would be...

Purpose Driven Life

2005-01-09T17:51:00.000+01:00

Today is the day. Well... the day before my periode of exams. And I'm trying to study very hard, trying to put those last thins in my head, but it seems like my brains are saying: "hey! enough now! we can't handle this much information!" And I can only agree... The first week of my holidays I could not get myself to study, so this last week has been a bit stressfull. Tomorrow I have a re-examination civics, that will be ok I think. But tuesday.... math and music.... Math is just to much and I've studied to little and music is just frustrating; it's about the whole history of music and that's really interesting on itself I think, but there are sooo many details that I lose the general view. That's not funny. But yeah, we will see, I'll just leave it in Gods hands, hehe. He knows everything right, so if He just wispers some answers in my ear, I will pass those exams easily!

Other interesting news: I'm reading a book of Rick Warren at the moment, called The Purpose Driven Life - What on earth am I here for? Speaks for itself I would say :-D. The writer calls it a 40 day spiritual trip and that's what it is. I'm only on day 4, but you've got to start somewhere, right? Every day teaches you an important lesson and gives you a subject and a question to think about during the day and a bible-verse to remember. I like it. I'm in my last year of school and I still do not know what to do after that. I'm learning now how to find a vision, but also to see my life in the perspective of eternity. My subject to think about of today was: "Life is much more than just the 'here and now' " and that ís sometimes a thing I tend to forget. If you look at life in the perspective of eternity, some things aren't so important as they used to be. Ecclesiastes 3:11 says: He has also set eternity in the hearts of men. So why not follow our hearts?!

God gave me a picture yesterday (I still think it's a weird comparison :-). It was about free-range cattle. It takes much longer before the product the farmer wants to produce is ready, but when it's ready, it tastes better, it looks better and it's more healthy then any other similar product. And God said: "If you are patient, I will give you the best there is". So I'm really trying to be patient!!

That's it for now, studying again...

You're everything

2005-01-06T15:59:00.000+01:00

Find Me Here
Speak To Me
I want to feel You
I need to hear You
You are the light
That's leading me
To the place where I find peace again.

You are the strength, that keeps me walking.
You are the hope, that keeps me trusting.
You are the light to my soul.
You are my purpose...you're everything.

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

You calm the storms, and you give me rest.
You hold me in your hands, you won't let me fall.
You steal my heart, and you take my breath away.
Would you take me in? Take me deeper now?

How can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

And how can I stand here with you and not be moved by you?
Would you tell me how could it be any better than this?

God, I need You... I'm trying to create a peacefull environment, while You are the only one that can give me real peace. I'm trying to create a future, while my future is in Your hands. Lord, I don't know what to do anymore. I feel Your presence, but I find it hard to hear Your voice. I want to hear Your voice God... What are Your plans for me?? You are the only one who can help me and I totally rely on You Lord, how hard it may be. I thank You for the things You've already done in my life and for the things that are yet to come. You are almighty and I know that You will answer my questions when it's the right time. You are my only security and I ask You for the strength to keep on going, even if it looks like I'm not going anywhere. Just love You...

Cause you're all I want! You're all I need!
You're everything,everything...
You're all I want! You're all I need!
You're everything, You're everything...

Just silence.. and Prayer.

2004-12-30T18:30:00.000+01:00

Movies

2004-12-30T01:19:00.000+01:00

Watched a movie this evening I've already seen twice, hehe. "Save the last dance"... it's definitely one of my favorite movies and I don't know why.

There are lot's of movies like that one I think, but it just touched me when I was watching this evening. It's just so beautiful to see how two persons in love with eachother, which is not accepted by the world, fight to be together, no matter what the circumstances are. And that the girl Sarah, doesn't give her dream up to be a ballet-dancer, although you could agree with her if she made the decission to do so.

I think you'll understand how you can compare those things with your walk with God. Remember; this movie has a happy ending :D.

"I'm laughing at clouds
So dark up above
The sun's in my heart"

Sleep well everybody...

Dependent on God

2004-12-28T18:13:00.000+01:00

How am I feeling today?
I have no idea...
I'm not sad or angry,
but I'm not really "woooh! Yeah! wiii!!" too.

Am I growing up?!

No, that's not possible, hehe.

I don't know what it is. My mind is just full of al kinds of thoughts. School, exams, saxophone, parents, friends, love, money, new year. I find it hard to put all those things in Gods hands. I read the book "The prayer of Jabes" yesterday and it said among other things that I need to be dependent on God. That was something I already knew, but the feelings that come with it not. There was a guy, who said he had the feeling he couldn't cope with the upcomming things when he tried to rely on God. Well, there he got the description of the word "dependence". He was supposed to feel like that; it showed that he was walking his life with Jesus.
I like, and I think more people, to take the next things into consideration:

** my common sense
** my earlier experiences
** my feelings, education, need for safety
** my reputation (do I have one..?)

I need to be aware of the fact that I've got to let those things go when I want to follow God with all my heart. That's scary... Ow, dinner now, I'll be back soon. Maybe this evening, but I've got to play saxophone then, so I'm not sure.
Bye for now ;-)

Rest, sunshine and God

2004-12-26T19:00:00.000+01:00

Last days have been a bit stressfull, but I also was a witness of something awesome God is doing in my life and my family. The stress I had, was because of 2 things: school and spiritual warfare. I already told about school, about my lack of selfdiscipline and the dutch paper and Latin exam. Well, I finished the paper "in time", and tried to study for my Latin, but that didn't go very well... I didn't get enough sleep too, so when I was making the exam I didn't know the answer to half of the questions and I couldn't concentrate. On friday I only had one hour math lessons, so that was nice :D.

The spiritiual warfare has been going on since my mum, dad and sister accepted my invitation to come to the Christmas service of my church (wiiiii !!), that was on December the 3th. Asking them to come was a warfare on itself already. But after that... my family seemed very happy, maybe even more happy that usual, but I was very...peevish. I didn't want to be like that, because I realised that if I would have I fight with my parents, they might decide to not go to the evening service. And I didn't want that to happen!!! All in all, I made it, hehe.
They came with me to church this Friday night and it was great. Do you recognize this; when other people come with you to church, you try to gloze "strange things" over, because they might not like it? The service was very disorderly, because it was with another congregation, so that was one of those things. But surprisingly, my mum said that she liked it, and that it made her feel more comfortable! My dad, who can hardly speak a word English, sang a long with a few songs and he liked it!

THANK YOU GOD!!!! ( I'm sitting here with a big smile, bouncing on my chair, remembering that evening)

These are pictures of me and my family in Italy. Ow how I would love to see this pictures and know that this family is filled with the love of God. That's my prayer every day.

Lord, I want to thank You. You're doing such great things in my family I never could have dreamed of. I pray for Your help to bring them closer to You and for Your love in me to show that to them, in Jesus name. God I ask You to reveal Yourself to them and I thank You for showing Your incredible power in this small family. I love You Lord with all my heart and I dedicate my life to You. Please teach me how te be just like You. Teach me how to teach others and how to love them like You do! I want to learn te be humble, and to put all my trust in You. I pray this in the name of Jesus. Amen

Your love makes me sing

2004-12-22T22:34:00.000+01:00

Your love is amazing,
steady and unchanging
Your love is a mountain,
firm beneath my feet

Your love is a mystery,

how You gently lift me
When I am surrounded,
Your love carries me

Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Your love makes me sing
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Your love makes me sing

Your love is surprising,
I can feel it rising
All the joy that's growing
deep inside of me

Every time I see You,
all Your goodness shines through
And I can feel this God song,
rising up in me

Yes, You make me sing
Lord, You make me sing, sing, sing
How You make me sing

This is a song I heard tonight and it just touched me. I mean; God's love IS a mystery and surprising everytime, but it's also steady. Gods love for us doesn't change, that's the beauty of it... wow...
Gods love is really working and today I could see how His love is working in my father! He's not a christian, in fact, he hates churches and all that has to do with it. But I pray for him as much as I can and this morning he came into my room and cried about the other night when we had a bit of a fight. He cried and said that he really loves me and that was so beautiful... (of course I had to cry also ;-)

Lord, I want to thank you for the work you're doing in my mum and dad and my sister. Everytime I am surprised about the way You work and about Your unconditional love. I pray that my family will see that beautiful love too and that they won't be affraid of You anymore. Please, bless them with Your hope and strength in the name of Jesus Christ so that they will sing about Your love too! Thank You God that You warm their hearts and for helping me to show Your love to them, every day. Amen

God on number one

2004-12-22T02:27:00.000+01:00

"Don't you dare to talk to me, or I will cry. Don't you dare to point your finger at me or I will go mad." That's not what I felt like today, but it must have looked like that I think...

The combination of perfectionism and absolutely NO self-discipline sucks. I've been struggeling with it for years and still haven't found a solution. This is what happens in general: I've got to do something for school or whatever and I want to do it perfect. The prospect of doing a lot of work discourages me to actually begin working on it. So I put it off. The next thing I know, is that I've got a few days left to finish the work and I get all stressed out.

The point where I am at now, is that it is 2:00 AM and I'm still working on a paper for Dutch which I have to hand in tomorrow. Well actually, I already had to do that past monday. And next to this pressure, there is the fact that I've got an exam on thursday, which is a lot of learning I haven't done yet. So now I'm feeling stupid and when my dad just came into my room to tell me about all the things I am doing wrong, I kinda broke down. I just cried, but I cried out to God. I don't know how He does it, but I'm not crying anymore, hehe. I always ask God to help me to concentrate and learn me how to get some self-discipline. But He just wants me to focus on Him and everything will be alright. And it's something I'm beginning to understand.

I need to honor God in the things that I do
I need to take more time for God
Because God is the only one who can help me

Does that make sense? For me it does. God gives me strength and hope. He is my only security, so I would be very stupid if I putted Him on the second or third place in my life. I just love Him... He's gooood :D

Blessings,

Blogging. Right.

2004-12-20T23:58:00.000+01:00

So... here I am, blogging too...

Don't know why I'm doing it at this very moment, because it's late, I'm tired and I have got a lot of other things to do for school, that are a lot more important than writing something on the internet about yourself which no one will read anyway I guess.
Well, it's fun and I'm looking forward to cry my heart out here at this little place on the internet, called "just evy" ;-).

I'll be back. Promise. Bye now.